Good evening lovelies, just felt like venting a bit on the blog tonight. The topic this time around is my own personal experiences as a trans woman during my early, pre-HRT days.
It's so weird that the face looking back at me in the bathroom mirror each day doesn't really feel like 'mine' anymore; that is to say, it's not the face I want to be looking at. It takes a clean shave, twenty minutes of makeup, and my wig for me to look and feel my very best nowadays, but that's not even something I can do on a regular basis right now. At most, on average I get to be the real me only twice a week. 😔 The rest of the time, I'm somebody else; a shadow of someone I used to be, someone who I don't want to be anymore, yet who I'm forced to be for the time being, in order to keep my head afloat in this crazy economy of ours. But even my jeans and t-shirts feel so restrictive now; like shackles holding me back. It fucking burns sometimes and I wish more than anything that I could just be myself wherever I go and not have to worry about dead-naming, misgendering, or other such disrespect - assuming things don't get worse than that!
At least one person who I used to talk to regularly around town can't even look me in the eyes anymore now that she knows I'm trans. I have family that doesn't currently know because if they found out right now, it could be disastrous. I don't even wanna think about what might happen if my landlords learned the truth. And for what? Just because I'm not conforming to who I was expected to be at birth? I hate to break it to you people, but the couple who brought me into this world did so with the intention of using me as a pawn in their imaginary war against an evil deity that wanted to corrupt the youths with D&D, secular biology, and Pokémon. I'm not exactly keen on living up to any standards that were preemptively thrust upon me at birth, let alone with regards to my gender identity. I'm not harming a goddamn soul but apparently there's something deeply problematic about me just... being? Somehow? I don't even know anymore, none of this makes any sense.
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