Today I wanted to reflect on my changing spirituality, and how much it's evolved over the years. It's something I haven't really talked a whole lot about on my blog yet, but it's nevertheless been an important staple of my life that I'd like to share with you all. Some of you might remember me mentioning this in my first post on this blog, but for those who don't, I was born and raised into a YEC evangelical cult that had its claws in my brain for twenty-five years. A whole quarter of my life, stolen from me by people who thought they knew exactly how my life was supposed to go, when that choice should've been mine all along. I'm still dealing with the repercussions of this upbringing that was more interested in making me a soldier in their army, than in making me a functioning human being in this modern nightmare that we're currently living through.
In college I became fascinated with New Age mysticism and Wicca, ultimately leaving Christianity in 2020 and officially becoming Wiccan that January. From there I learned a lot about nature, our place in it as human beings, and ultimately decided I was way happier being connected with the trees and soil and water than I was in the rat race that is present-day society. I've still got my altars to Brigid, Morrigan, and Cernunnos in my room, and no matter how my spiritual journey changes, they'll always mean the world to me. Brigid taught me the value and strength of a kind heart in a cruel world; Morrigan taught me the value of facing my problems head-on, without letting fear stop me; and Cernunnos taught me to fall in love with nature, as well as my own inner wildness. They are my own pagan deities and I adore them all.
But ever since September of last year, and all the trauma that came about as a result of being forced to come out as trans to my mother under emergency circumstances, there's been other religious figures that have come into my life: the fallen angel Lucifer/Satan, the immortal symbol of Baphomet, and Adam's first wife Lilith. I distinctly remember being in such a dark place that I felt like there was no way out, my world was ending, and that all I wanted was for the pain to stop. And though I never made any attempts on my own life - thank goodness - I was still humoring suicide for the very first time. I realize though, that there was more to the story that I neglected to mention in my past posts, even though I was meaning to do so. Let me fill in the blanks:
On September 3rd, 2023, at approximately 6:00 AM, I officially came out as trans at work. New name tag, new look, as obvious as humanly possible that I was now presenting as a woman. Some people got it right away, others acted like they didn't even notice, and others still - who, up until that point, had been jovial and friendly every day with me - now couldn't even look me in the eyes. Later that month I was coerced by my meat department coworkers into not using the women's bathroom, one of whom even went so far as to threaten me with violence. Coupling that with the events of September 11th, 2023, and all the misery that came with it, I was finally at my lowest possible point. I myself had fallen from grace, hitting the ground hard and breaking my spirit on impact. That was when I first heard the call of Satan, and a beckoning toward a path that would teach me not just how to survive - but to thrive in this new, dark place. For he too had been cast out of the safety of paradise, and had to pick up the pieces by hand. Now it was my turn.
Eventually this led to me buying a copy of LaVey's Satanic Bible, along with a newfound fascination with the darkest side of the occult. At first, I indulged this side of me out of anger; I hated the church for twisting my family into its mindless drones, and for setting them against me. I hated the ignorance of the conservatives, for the part they had to play in endangering my safety and well-being as a trans person. From that hatred I drew power, which sustained me long enough to find myself a new job at Kroger, this time in their customer service and front end departments. Eventually though, that anger subsided; I got over what had happened, picked the pieces back up, and set about building a way of life that'll be set apart from the burdens of capitalism. I thought that was the end of my relationship with Satanism, but in fact, there was still more for me to learn: namely, the value of embracing my darker half, while also being ruled by compassion and empathy.
To me, Satan and Baphomet and Lilith represent the values of being a safe haven, a sanctuary of sorts, for the outcast and the unloved - but also ensuring that one's generosity is not taken advantage of, and that your energy is protected at all costs. Being always true to one's self, even your darkest and weirdest indulgences, while also never allowing yourself to think that you're the center of the universe and that the world should revolve around what you want. That's ultimately what these figures mean to me now: breaking away from the harmful conventions that we're told are "good" and "pure" and "holy", in favor of following our raw human nature. Embracing our real selves without shame, while also building others up to do the same and letting them feel safe enough to do so in our presence. We have such precious little time on this Earth, let it be spent in sincerity, even in the dark! Thus I write all this to give the Devil his due, to give thanks for my liberation, and to encourage the same for all of you.
Ave Satanas.
~R.B.
Comments
Post a Comment